I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
