I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
