If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
