3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
did i just pee glitter
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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