i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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