I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
