WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
