Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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