I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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