Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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