The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's never too late to be topless.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
