how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
