Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
