A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
