She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
