I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
