is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
