You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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