you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
