Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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