I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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