Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
