seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I AM VODKA MAN
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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