Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just want to make out with him forever
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
