did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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