He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
cat food counts as protein by the way
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
