I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
