we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
