Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
