someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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