Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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