I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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