she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
