Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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