He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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