My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I looked at my own cervix.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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