just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
