So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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