there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
