I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
