Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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