My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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