I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
