you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
