you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
