It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
