You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
