i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Small penises have feelings too.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
