Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
