Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
