Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
