I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
smell my finger.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
