To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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