She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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