i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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