did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i think i just lost a toe
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
