Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
