Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
