I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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