I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
