Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
