Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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