You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
